Disconnect

Pensive atop Parc Guell in Barcelona.

I’m trying to decide which cliché contains more truth: distance makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight, out of mind.

It’s probably both depending on the situation. Context is everything, after all. I moved to Beijing at the beginning of September 2012. It’s only been eight months away from, I guess, home. It has and hasn’t been a struggle.

Over these months, it has been interesting to watch and consider the relationships with people both in Canada and here in China. In Beijing, I’ve become friends with people who may never have crossed my path elsewhere. I’d like to think that some of these people are now lifelong friends as we have been permanently entwined in our journeys. Maybe they will be, or maybe it’s fleeting. I wonder how much of friendship is determined by personal proximity.

I am a ghost. I have been absent for many significant, and possibly minor events that have befallen my friends and family. Babies have been born. Relationships have formed and fallen. Careers have changed. I know about things tangentially and without much detail. This is no one’s fault, and I hold no bitterness. Some have reached out, and some haven’t. I have been better with some more than others. 

In class, we watched the documentary “Spellbound” about eight teenagers competing for the championship at the 1999 National Spelling Bee in Washington, DC. It’s a pretty effective, if slight, look into the lives of these youths. I did some basic digging to see what happened after the movie was released. One of the competitors died in 2007. One of them got pregnant and became a mother at age 18 only to be the beneficiary of a group of concerned citizens wanting to help her achieve her dream of going to university. She graduated university in 2008, apparently, and had the dream of pursuing her master’s and PhD in social work. No new information is available.

Another is a teacher, and even maintains a blog that shecontinues to update. They’re regular people facing regular trials that life throws at them. They likely have had people drift in and out of their experiences over time. This is one of the things I’ve been trying to communicate to my students, as they are the same age as the people in “Spellbound” were when the movie was filmed.

It’s easy to fall into the blame trap or to develop paranoia. There’s no point in wondering if you did something to upset someone, even though it’s a sensible emotional response when feeling separate from what only a few months ago was your reality. It’s also logical that as we age, we don’t remain friends with every person we’ve encountered along the way. This separation happens; it’s unavoidable.

I’m not bitter, though I will excuse anyone who interprets my mood as such. I’m nervous. I’ve been warned about reverse culture shock upon returning to Canadian soil. Will I slide back into the roles that had been established for me prior to my big move, or will things be fundamentally different? Have things really changed as much as they appear or is it all still pretty much the same?

This year has helped me strengthen my independence. Through traveling Spain alone and figuring out my new job on my own, I have grown.

I have also identified a nearly crippling fear of commitment that shouldn’t surprise me. I can’t stay still. Unfortunately, the tenuous nature of relationships when one moves around comes with the territory. Writing this reminded me of an interview with comedian Aziz Ansari as he commented on the oddities of romantic relationships. As the days press on, I am becoming more resigned to the notion that the fading glow is going to happen. I want to be there for people, but the fact is I’m not. I’m here.

Just know that I am neither writing this with tears welling in my eyes nor a scowl furrowing my brow. A wise man said it’s just a ride. The best thing we can do is find a balance between letting go and holding on.

The Band has been on a regular cycle recently. I feel nostalgic and the summer will sate some of my desires for the familiar.

“Oh to be home again

Down in old Virginny

With my very best friend

They call him Ragtime Willy

Woulda been nice to see folks

Listen once again to the stale jokes

The big rockin’ chair won’t go nowhere.

I can hear something calling on me

And you know where I want to be

Oh Willy don’t youhear that sound?”

The song Rockin' Chair is a plea for an old friend to come home. It's a beautiful song about undying friendship and the losses that accompany aging. It's been a cathartic song helping me adjust with, I don't want to say dying but, changing friendships. It gives me that needed boost to know that some of the best is yet to come even though the song is perhaps less optimistic in places.

It's ironic, too, since the Band toured nonstop for many years. The song Danko-Manuel, by the Drive-By Truckers laments the toll the road took on members Rick Danko and the angel-voiced Richard Manuel (who sang the aforementioned Rockin' Chair). 

There will be laughs and tunes and stories to share. Regardless of how distant I've become, for whatever reason, I look forward to the reconnect. 

Cheers.