AQ REDUX: Thirst is nothing, image is everything.

Going to St. Thomas University has been a mixed bag. Through a strike and some course requirements (fine arts credit) and lackadaisacal professors (not all) there have been some bumps in the road.

Rarely, I have contributed actual pieces of journalism to the school newspaper, the Aquinian -- or AQ as it is known in hipster circles and the cover of the paper itself. Luckily I have been able to weasel my way into the position of columnist.

Arts editors have for whatever reason given me a forum to ramble on about whatever pops into my head. I am in the process of finding copies of each of the columns I've written over the last few years and will be posting them here for your reading pleasure. I think there's one that was never published, but it will also make the grade.

Since this is the last semester at the great school of St. Thomas, it seems fitting to make this my requiem of my time spent there.


Thirst is nothing, image is everything...
by Jason Wilson

I am not cool.

The reason I am not cool is not because I lack certain qualities that create "cool." Instead, I see cool as nothing more than an abstract concept, unattainable by everyone...even the cool.

High school is a time where the segregations of social cliques hits a peak. You join the group that most closely resembles who you are on the exterior. If you have long dark hair, listen to Marilyn Manson (so 90s) and wear eyeliner...you're a "goth". If you play sports, wear polo shirts with an alligator on them (I give Lacoste a hard time), you're a "jock." If you wear vans or airwalks with baggy pants you're a "skater" even if you don't own a skateboard or have the dexterity and balance to operate one.

In each group (several go unmentioned, including sub-groups of the aforementioned) a different definition of "cool" is created and interpreted. If you don't belong, well you're uncool.

University and alternately, the working world does it in a different fashion. You strive to meet like-minded individuals you relate to on a conversational basis, but only if they wear something tasteful and to your liking.

When you meet someone, what do you talk about? The conversations tend to be simplistic and open because no one wants to be alienated and you don't want to alienate everyone you meet. Most, maybe...but not all. Simplistic equals common and common equals accessible and accessible equals popular.

What movies do you like?

What bands do you listen to?

What sports do you watch?

Books, television, celebrities, video games and products of the like all work as ice breakers and if you agree with the people you meet, the idea that that particular person you just met is cool sticks with you. If you disagree, you have no reason to extend the relationship.

Sprite lied. Their old slogan was "image is nothing, thirst is everything" and it had to be a conscious lie. It would have professional athletes like Kobe Bryant making mad dunks and cooling down with a bottle of Sprite with the label pointed perfectly at the camera. Kobe drinks Sprite and shoots threes, you can too if you buy our product!

Yes, it constantly said the opposite of what the images said and that's probably why the campaign succeeded as much as it did. It tricked people into buying the product by acknowledging the truth that Sprite would no sooner make you the next Kobe Bryant than consuming enough LSD to kill an elephant would make you the next Hunter S. Thompson or Aldous Huxley.

The pictures, however, give that glimmer of hope that maybe...just maybe you could be the exception to the rule. If you drink -- and buy -- just the right amount of Sprite then you will make the NBA and come up short for the MVP just like Kobe does every year (note: this column originally ran in spring 2007. Kobe won the NBA MVP in 2008). I wouldn't know. I've always preferred 7Up.

The image you portray, whether you do it by drinking carbonated sugar-water or if you dress like a hipster will directly and indirectly determine your social status. It doesn't matter if you're nice or a huge prick but what you look like and say.

Are you cool? Probably not because cool is not tangible. It is broad and abstract. A party girl once told me that I seemed like the kind of guy who would rather sit at home on a Friday night and read a book instead of heading out to one of the many trashy bars in Fredericton. I know she wanted to make a cutting jab at what she thought to be my lifestyle but instead I took it as a compliment.

When Lester Bangs says "I'm always home, I'm uncool" to William Miller in Almost Famous, I see myself. Granted, I am not the publisher of my own music magazine (SOMEDAY!) but I can relate to that aspect of the character.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we are all influenced by advertising and the ethos of image. We all portray an image and many will label you as "cool" of "uncool." Ask those people to define what they mean and a common response will be "cool" and "uncool." They are self-defining words, so how can they represent anything real?

"Oh, you just know cool when you see it" is bullshit or maybe I just haven't seen it, especially when I look in the mirror. That's not a bad thing.

Now excuse me, I need to take my Tommy's out of the dryer.


*I took the liberty to re-write this instead of copy and paste directly. It's mostly the same with some of the tense cleaned up. It turns out my schooling actually has taught me a thing or two.